Losing someone hurts whether you're age 5 or 85. No matter how spiritually sophisticated you are, it mutilates your heart. This will be the most "candid" and open post I will write because it deals with a subject matter that is close and personal to me. Like many others, 2016 came with a lot of challenges. I faced situations and emotions I had never experienced before. It was a year that tested my faith and strength. Of course, everything was not bad, I had quite a few hill experiences, or high points, such as graduating high school and taking a family cruise. Despite the great things that happened I also encountered something I had not faced, and that is grief. My family suffered several deaths and each of them was sudden. It seemed like attending funerals became a regular part of life and I hated it. Although dealing with death and the plethora of emotions that come with it was so painful, I learned a lot and grew in ways I did not fathom. The time that grief seemed to cripple me the most was at night. During the day, I had a lot of distractions to keep me from the feelings that pained me. At night, I had time to be alone and think. I hope what I share can help someone going through a similar experience. Here are some strategies to overcoming grief that helped me. Some of the points come from a Christian standpoint, but others such as self-expression and creating a memorial are applicable to any person.
It's okay to cry and it’s okay not to cry. Everybody approaches grief in different ways, crying does not make you powerless and not crying does not make you heartless. Process your grief in the healthiest way for you.
It's normal to feel up and down. There are some moments I feel totally strong and others I feel painfully weak. Grief will take you on a roller coaster of emotions. At times I thought I was losing my mind, because my emotions were so imbalanced. The weak moments are when you find God and can depend on him for your strength.
It's okay to be angry at God. I will admit, I was angry at God for taking so many people I loved. I was even more upset because I saw the emotional distress it caused my family. I questioned how could a loving, graceful and merciful God put his people through such torment. I questioned why God didn't heal my relatives like I believed he would. I did everything I was taught from years of going to church. I visited my relatives and earnestly prayed for them. It baffled me that despite all my faith my loved ones still ended up dying. I had to understand that we are mortal beings, and we will all die someday. Our bodies are breaking down daily, and even though God did not heal my loved ones in the way I prayed for, they were healed. By dying they received total and complete healing. There is no kind of affliction that will ever pain them and every physical ailment is cast down. ( 2 Corinthians 5:8)
Drop the act, you don't have to be okay. People will tell you tons of cliché phrases, that need to be dropped, like “be strong.” You do not have to be strong! Losing someone, in my opinion, is the greatest pain there is. If there were ever a time to be weak, this is it. Be as weak as you need to and allow God to be your strength.
Don’t stress over the “what ifs.” It’s so common to question “what if they made it to the hospital earlier?” or “what if I visited them when I was supposed to?” There will always be things that could have gone different. We can imagine alternative outcomes, but we must face reality. I pray you release yourself from the troubling thought that you could have done something more to save your loved one. Truly, in situations dealing with grief things aren’t picturesque. In my heart, I wish for one more conversation, or one more dinner with my family. However, I know that even if I had that “one more” experience it would still never be enough. Instead of focusing on “what ifs” and “one mores” reflect on the beautiful times you shared when they were alive.
Don't shut yourself off from the world. Alone time has its place and it’s tempting to lock yourself in your room and never come out. You must fight through your pain because, there are live people who need you. If you can't get out of bed for yourself, do it for your partner, or your parents, or your child.
Think about the happy times. Although our loved ones may have left the earth we will always have memories to keep us close to them. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my loved ones. However, not every thought brings me to tears, some are happy. I think of a fun trip or funny joke. Reflecting on good memories can help you feel connected to the person.
Think about the positive reasons you loved them. Go forward in their memory and don't allow their death to be in vain. If your loved one was caring, make it a point to be more caring. If they were giving to others, make it your mission to be giving. If you admired their faith, work to strengthen your faith. Just because someone dies doesn't mean what they left behind dies too.
Honor their memory! Don't allow grief to stop you from being the person your relative knew and loved. There were so many times I felt so overwhelmed with sadness that I did not want to go through the day. I just wanted to stay inside and cry, but I had to tell myself NO. Specifically after I lost my uncle I felt broken and didn't know if my heart would ever feel the same. But I knew that it would be a dishonor to his memory to not be the bubbly and fun girl that he loved so much. Every time I feel myself getting low I ask, "What would my uncle want me to do?" He would never want me depressed and dejected based on his memory. He would want me to go learn a new skill, go pick on my dad, or do something I enjoyed. When I feel (I say feel because it’s an ongoing process) myself drifting to those low points I remind myself that I want to live a life that honors my uncle’s memory. Don’t let your loved ones down by losing your spirit.
Make a personal memorial for them. I have my uncles picture next to my bed and as my screen saver. It helps me to see his smiling face. Allow yourself to see the people you love how you remember them.
Find music (or the equivalent) that soothes you. There are a few songs that I listen to that help to calm my spirit. A few of my favorites are “Well Done” by Deitrick Haddon and “Goin Up Yonder” by Tremaine Hawkins.
Creative expression. Write prayers, poems, songs, whatever helps you. I wrote prayers and poems to help process my feelings. Creativity can sometimes express feelings better than words.
Talk out your feelings. I strongly encourage you to verbalize your emotions with someone. Talking it out can bring comfort. I talked to my pastor and it brought newfound peace and a different perspective.
Know that although your loved one is gone physically, the spirit never dies. I know we want our relatives here with us in the flesh, but it is comforting to know that they’re in heaven cheering me on! If you notice any coincidences about the person or something triggers a moment you shared take it as them sending you a hug or wink.
Rely on Christ. There were times when I was all alone, usually at night that I would feel so hurt and my heart full of sorrow. I couldn't call my parents or friends at 2 am, so who did I call? Jesus. He heard my cry every single time. My prayer was “Lord, hold me in your arms and rock me to sleep.” Somehow through the tears I would feel a calming fall on me and I was able to sleep. There will be times when nobody is available, and Jesus is your only option. And he's always the best option.
Be grateful! That's strange, right! How is it possible to be grateful when your world seems like it's coming to an end? Be grateful that you shared life and love with the person. There are others who never experienced love, and pray daily for the connection you shared with your loved ones.
Rejoice. If you're a believer and your relative was in Christ, you can rejoice! As believer’s we can mourn different, it is possible to have joy in the midst of grief. You can be confident that you will see your loved one again. Knowing that your loved ones are with the Lord can help soothe the agonizing sting of death. Honestly, they're better off than us. They're in the best place they can be! Especially if your loved one was sickly, they traded their physical weakness for eternal strength. They are no longer bound or confined. (1 Corinthians 15: 42 – 44)
Trust that things will get better. Don't allow yourself to be consumed. I know that grief can feel like a ton of bricks on your chest and even cause physical pain. I know how it feels to want to stop crying so badly, but the tears continue to flow. I know how it feels to realize you will never hold that person or hear their laugh and see their smile. All those feelings are horrible and grief feels like being stuck in tar and being unable to move. Challenge yourself to move. Ultimately, our relatives will not be coming back to earth, but that doesn't mean we die with them. We must press forward, and even press a little harder for them. It will get better. One day you will be able to think about your loved one and you won't cry, you'll smile.
Allow death to bring you closer to the people in your life. I come from a tight-knit family, and after we suffered so many loses it seemed like we grew closer. Death can pull you out, or draw you in. I pray that through the pain you’re drawn to those around you. Take time to enjoy all the little moments life offers. Our lives can become so busy that we lose sight of what’s important. Let your grief to bring you back into focus of what matters and deepen your relationships.
Allow your pain to pull you to the bosom of Christ. Grief can push you away from the Lord, or it can make your relationship more intimate. In moments of intense sorrow it is important to keep our eyes on Jesus and allow ourselves to find rest in him, like a baby does its mother. There were times I felt like God was punishing my family, and I did not know why. When I read through his word I found that to be untrue, and that he extended my love one’s eternal victory. If I let my anger turn me against God, the enemy would have won. I am so grateful that my heart was turned toward Christ and I could feel his love.
See a professional. If your grief is too much to handle there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking out professional help. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel hesitant about getting counseling.
If you know someone who experiences a loss support them in any way you can. Attending the services of the departed emits love in action. Even if you can’t attend, an encouraging text message, a hug, and anything to let them know they aren’t alone will be appreciated. It is important to be a sound board for their feelings and a shoulder to cry on, make yourself available to listen, it will mean the world.
Although experiencing the death of someone we love can be an agonizing experience it is something that will get better with time. You will not be bound to pain forever, and you will smile again!
Other Scriptures that help with coping. Philippians 1:21 – 24 ; 1 Thessalonians 4:13 – 14; Romans 8:26; John 16:22; Revelation 21:4; Psalm 34:18
I dedicate this piece to my sweet Uncle Kenny, who I will forever hold in my heart. I love you.
